Growth & Change: Time

growth & change
Photo by: CreateHer Stock

In the last few years, I have become fiercely protective over my time. I am a planner. I always have been. My calendar is often set at least a month in advance. My friends and I like to joke that there are two kinds of people: the people who plan for the moment and the people who live in the moment. For my friends who are not planners, I offer them structure when we're thinking ahead for dates, trips, etc. And in return, they offer me the opportunity to let go of my need to know what's going on and do something spontaneous from time to time.

In my early twenties, I had a boss who tried to convince me that planning leads to road blocks and doesn't allow you to live freely. True story. Bizarre, right? But since I've always grown up with a desire to please people, I tried to let go of the planner in me and just try things spontaneously. It did not end well. Most of the time, I was miserable trying to adapt to the rules of lets-not-plan-lets-live-in-the-moment-land all the time. I'd go into work and never know what we'd be doing that day. There were days that I'd go in and be told that we were doing a major event that Friday (and it was Tuesday) that had no plan whatsoever. I'd then have to scramble and think through how to make it successful. Week to week, I never knew what my schedule would be so I couldn't plan time with friends or family. I lived in that world for two years before finally saying, "Enough."

When I look back on that time, I realize that I learned a lot. I became very protective over my time. And in that protection, I learned three valuable things:

1. My boss was wrong.
First and foremost, it was wrong of that boss to try and force me to become more like him. As a leader, he should have encouraged my strengths and leaned into them so that I could produce the best possible work. I could have helped him plan out the company calendar for three months within a week! I'm very good at thinking through the details and the necessary components of a thing, then spacing out the timeline for completion. There is no 'one way' of living. I don't have to rip up my calendar in order to live into someone else's idea of freedom. Let me be me! We could have worked a lot better together.

2. Our differences make us stronger.
The most lasting thing I learned, however, was that it's okay for humans to be different from one another. You're a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person? Cool, well I'm a planner. If we have to work together, how might we do it well? We definitely can learn from one another, as my friends and I have done. I don't have to become you and you don't have to become me. But we can still help each other without needing to convince each other to cross over to our beliefs/way of life. There is so much 'live in the moment' rhetoric in our overly saturated world. For some people, that totally works. There are maybe some of you reading right now who would be perfect for the job mentioned above. But that's not me. And that's okay. I choose to plan. And I can still plan for tomorrow while living today.

There are blessings in both planning and living spontaneously.

3. Be who you are.
Live into who you are. I'm a planner. I am protective of my time because I know myself. I need time to meditate in the morning. I need time for yoga/pilates. I need time with my husband. I need time with my friends. I need a schedule. I crave order. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I don't need to make space for someone else's spontaneous lack of planning.

But I can if I want to. That's the key. There's such freedom in embracing who you are and living into that. It allows you to live with the ebbs and flows of life with grace. I like being who I am. And that's that.

Unapologetically,
Pam

Growth & Change: A (Hopeful) Series

growth & change
Photo cred: CreateHER Stock


I have been in a space of deep self exploration for the last three years. At first, I was really keen to share most of that experience here on my blog. 2016 was my year of sharing! Then 2017 came, and I reached a point where I needed to become more protective of myself, my space, and the amount of sharing I did. 2017 was my year of building in silence. There were a lot of changes happening: marriage, new job, new home, financial growth, health issues, etc. The year was filled with extreme highs (like marrying the man of my dreams) and extreme lows (receiving an unexpected diagnosis, which I talked about in an earlier post). I didn't want to live those experiences on paper, on a blog or Instagram post. I needed to be present in those moments without the distraction of sharing with the world or crafting the perfect caption.

Coming into 2018, I feel like this is my year manifesting. 2018 will be my year of harvest. And for me, this harvest begins in my mind.

I keep seeing mental harvest affirmations that go a little something like this:

"Whatever you believe in your mind, you manifest in your life."

Is it true that if you think negatively, negative things will come? And how does that work for someone like me, who has experienced extensive trauma? I sat down with a psychologist recently to dig a little deeper into this idea. The psychologist validated my experience. What I learned has been both affirming and frustrating. For people who have experienced trauma, trauma often breeds fear. Fear, in turn, often will breed negativity. Expecting negative things will ultimately deliver negative things. Isn't that crazy?

So, here's the frustrating part: Negativity will come. You cannot control the negative emotions as they are just a part of being human. What you can control is your response. This is both affirming and frustrating. It is exceedingly difficult to validate your negative emotions and respond to them with personal affirmation. And yet, that is exactly what I've been fighting to do in 2018. To have a positive mental harvest that manifests in my real life.

I don't have all of the answers and I'm on the journey myself. But here are a few tips I've picked up that are helping me to manifest and harvest in 2018:

Meditate | Speak Life | Seek Help | Believe

Meditate:
I took up meditation after attending a class in 2016. Since then, my desire has been to meditate everyday. Realistically, I fall short of this. But, when I do meditate, it helps to calm my mind. I find that when I meditate, I also pray better. Because my head is less cluttered. When I practice consistently, I feel much more connected to my inner self, which produces positive and trusting energy. My favorite app to practice meditation is Stop, Breathe, and Think. They have lots of free options for meditation. Some are short, some are long so you can find meditations that fit your schedule and lifestyle.

Speak Life:
This one is a little bit harder for me. As someone who is still healing from trauma, it is sometimes difficult to believe that God intends good things for me. But She does. I know She does. I struggle to see it sometimes though. When I am afraid is when it is most important for me to speak life into myself. My fear that tells me, "What if I'm not worthy? What if that company doesn't want to work with you? What if that gig doesn't work out?" I validate where those feelings come from. Then I say something simple like, "I am worthy. I am able. I deserve good things." That's it.

Seek Help:
Seriously. Get a good therapist. If you're worried about cost (totally valid, as a lot of insurances don't cover mental health), I suggest looking for a counseling center. Many counseling centers offer sliding scale payments, based on your income. Most private practitioners in my experience can't offer a sliding scale, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't at least ask if you find someone that you want to work with. Whatever you do, wherever you are, if you need help, I encourage you to seek it out. Sometimes taking the first step of talking to a counselor is all you need to get the ball rolling.

Believe:
Lastly, you have to believe. I have been mediating for almost two years now, along with prayer. I work really hard to speak life, but sometimes I fall short. I have a wonderful therapist, so I'm seeking help. But I struggle so much when it comes to simply believing. Believing that the meditation, speaking life, and therapy will come to fruition. Believing that God really does intend good things for my life. Believing that good things will, indeed, come. But belief is necessary. It is necessary for me to believe that the universe is on my side and that a good harvest will come from the work I've put in over the years.

Thank you for reading ♥

Unapologetically,
Pam

Sometimes I Miss You, Sometimes I Don't

blogging

One of the things that I do not miss about full-time blogging is the pressure. Everyone says, "Consistency is key" and that you have to always be pushing your content to your audience. This meant that not only was I doing photo shoots multiple times per week, I was also editing daily, and chugging out content on Hootsuite so that my posts would be shared multiple times per day on all of my social media platforms. This took a lot of work. Any full-time blogger will tell you that this ain't easy. When I was unemployed and not in school, I had plenty of time for that work. I could dedicate my days to waking up and making sure everything was "instagram-able" (this is a real word, I assure you.) Here are some of my favorite "instagram-able" examples:

1. The lighting for my breakfast - I'd take so many pictures, edit it perfectly, and take so much time crafting the perfect caption and hashtags that the food would get cold. I wouldn't even be hungry anymore.
2. The perfect pose for an outfit - I about near popped my hip out of place one time trying to ensure that my curves were on point.
3. Spending time with friends - my makeup, outfit, and smile needed to be perfect for any instagram-worthy shot. I'd spend so much time taking and editing pictures that I'd forget why we were there - to actually spend time together.
4. Date night - God forbid that we go on one of our regular dates with me in comfy clothes, no makeup, and messy hair. Nope, only the perfect days made it to instagram - and those days weren't even the most fun because I'd have on so much makeup that we couldn't even kiss without my lipstick smearing!

Everything needed to be perfect. It needed to be so perfect that I started to miss out on reality - which is anything but perfect. It's like Queen Bey says - "Perfection is a disease of a nation." And she's right, pretty does hurt.

When I started working again in 2016, it took me all of about 3 months to realize that full-time blogging wouldn't work for me. I didn't have time for the perfect picture of my breakfast - I was hungry and dammit, I was gonna eat right then and there.

Furthermore, in 2017, I really started to lean into reality rather than the life I was trying to live up to on instagram. I've talked about this a lot on my blog. I hope that you have seen the evolution.

Sometimes I miss blogging, and sometimes I don't. I do miss sharing bits and pieces of my life. And maybe I will begin to share more again.

In truth, my real life is messy. It's filled with cat litter, students crying in my office, root canals, and more. It's also filled with late-night snuggles with my hubby, the Great British Bake-Off, and walking in the cold to spend time with friends. What is real often cannot be captured in a photograph - authentic conversations, belly laughs from watching that Jake Tapper/Ted Crockett interview, tearful heart-to-hearts over coffee as we whispered "Me, too", and more. That cannot be captured for instagram.

I think I would blog more if it meant less perfection. I would blog more if I can be authentic and real. I'd blog more if I can ramble. I'd blog more if I can share a three line poem about sadness. I'd blog more if every post didn't need a perfect picture in order to be "eye-catching" for the masses. And perhaps, that is where the secret lies. If I can be bold enough to show my real, authentic, not-instagram-perfect life, maybe I would have even more of it to share with you.

Cheers to 2018. Let's see where it all goes ♥
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