What Will They Say? (The Truth Is...)

Life often teaches us to be silent. To keep our secrets tucked away in some seemingly safe place where no one has to see your scars or know your fears.

I've wrestled with God over my pain. In my many fights with Him, I have often asked Him, "Why?"

Why? Why me, God? Why have these things happened to me? Or around me? Why me? Why?

Well, He's never given me any definitive answer. His only clear response has been: "Because I need you to share your story. I need you to not be afraid to speak. You have seen darkness and you have survived."

"I need you to not be afraid because there are women out there...girls...My daughters who need to know that they are not alone. That there is hope. Your story will lead so many others out of silent fear. And I need you to not be afraid."

But, the truth is...I am afraid.

I'm afraid of backlash. What will people think? What will they say?

Will they tell me that I'm giving my ex a bad rap? That I'm dragging his name through the dirt? That I'm tainting his image? Will they say that I'm bringing down a good black man who's made "a few" mistakes? That it's not even my place to speak because so much of my story is his story?

What will they say? Will they ask the most painful question of all...the question that everyone asks when they hear my story, either from a place of love or from a place of ignorance..that question. The one that causes me shame, makes me feel guilt, makes me hate some part of myself...

The question...

Why did you stay?

Then, what will they say? Will they say that I'm a weak, insecure woman for staying with a man who treated me in such a way? Will they say I should've been stronger? Will they say, "If it were me, I would've left a long time ago!" Will they call me stupid? Will they call me crazy for remaining silent, allowing for 6 years to go past in darkness while simultaneously building a case for what looked like a perfect marriage on social media?

What will they say? Will they call me foolish for eating my way to well over 250 pounds because I couldn't see a way out? Can't they understand that I was just scared? That I was trapped? That I was hopeless? Or, will they say, "It's YOUR fault for not speaking up. It's YOUR fault what you've done to yourself."

And, what will they say? Will they call me a liar for the Facebook posts that put on the appearance of happiness? For the smiling photos of bliss? Will they be angry to know that they were there, watching me walk down the aisle at my wedding, when I knew that the groom's heart was never mine to hold? Will they say that I wasted their time?

Then, what will they say...what will they say when they see me happy and smiling now? Will they say it's not real? Will they say it's too soon, too risky for me to love another? Will they say it's not right? That I don't deserve to have moved on?

What will they say? What will they feel when they know the truth?


The truth is...
I have seen darkness.
I've experienced things no wife, no girlfriend...hell, no friend should experience.
I have been alone.
I have hoped for death.

I have fought.
I have survived.
I have been brave.

And I have finally gotten a glimpse of me.
I have looked past the dirt and I have finally seen myself through God's eyes.
I can finally see pieces of who He's created me to be.

The truth is...
I can finally love.
I love Him.
I love me.
And I love a man who is head over heels in love with me, and yet who loves Him more.

The truth is...
There is still a call of God on my ex's life. I still believe it. God has created him for a purpose.
I'm just no longer a part of it.
It's up to him to accept God's call.

The truth is...
Just as God has a call on the life of my ex, He has a call on mine as well.

And the truth is...
I need to speak. I need to share this story.

But the truth is...I am afraid.

After all...what will they say?

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