My Body, My Terms

Sometimes I struggle to know where to begin a post. Especially one like this one, which focuses on my health and my body. I have written many times on this blog about the ups and downs of weight loss. And before I get too caught up, I want to offer something up to all of my friends:

I apologize to anyone who has ever read this blog, and especially the posts about weight loss or body image, and have felt guilt or shame towards their bodies. You are enough, just as you are.

I feel especially remorseful looking back because so much of my weight loss was the result of not eating. That's my truth. I was under so much stress from the divorce, experiencing homelessness, finishing graduate school, and taking on jobs that were harmful to my psyche, that I barely had an appetite. So...I didn't eat. Couldn't eat really. Yet, I was flaunting the photographs and the "Transformation Tuesdays" as if I had intentionally set out to lose a bunch of weight.

Perhaps in doing so, I made believe that somehow weight loss was the equivalent of self-love and self-care. I was wrong. 

It took me a while to come to terms with that. 

In hindsight, I recognize that the greatest harm I did to myself in my many "transformation tuesday" posts was the self-loathing I carried towards my former, 'overweight' self. Whenever anyone would say, "You were beautiful either way Pam," I would scoff. I felt ashamed of the old me. I mocked the "Old Pam" who woke up that morning, did her makeup and hair, picked an outfit that made her feel good, and took a picture and posted it because she felt beautiful and worthy. I laughed at her. I shook my head at those pictures and couldn't believe how "far" I'd let myself go. I made light of that Pam's need to feel loved and all that she did to feel beautiful. How shitty is that?

It hurts to remember how I belittled myself. And it hurts even more to know that I may have made some other woman feel that her body is somehow unworthy. But, Queen, let me promise you this: you will never see another "transformation tuesday" post on this blog, no matter my size. I will only celebrate the truth about my body here on Unapologetically Pam. The truth when I am bloated because my period is coming. The truth when I had pizza (cause yum!). The truth when I moved my body lovingly in the gym, in a yoga class, or dancing with my man. And I will celebrate my body and your body. I will celebrate all the ways we care for ourselves, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

These days, this is what I feel about my body:

I am worthy.

I am capable.

I am valued.

I am loved.

This is my body. My body, my terms. And my body is enough. You too, Queen. You are enough and capable and beautiful, as you are. Keep becoming all of you. 

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