Life is Full

Have you ever had one of those days (read: weeks/months/years) where life just seems to be running 100 mph? Your calendar is full, things keep popping up, you haven't called your family in over a week, dinner is on the stove, but you forgot to send that amazon package and now the dryer just went off alerting you that your clothes are done?

In those moments, I am tempted to say, "I'm just so busy." But a few years ago, an old friend encouraged me to shift my mindset. They told me:

Instead of saying "I'm busy," try saying, "Life is full."

Our words matter so much. When I say, "I'm busy," that often translates to antsy/anxious energy in my body. But, when I say, "Life is full" and especially when I say, "Life is full of things I love," I feel peaceful. I feel hopeful. I feel excited. I feel joy.

The next time you're catching up with a friend or a family member and they ask how you've been, instead of talking about how busy you've been, consider saying:

Life is FULL of things I love.

I hope that in doing so, you are reminded of how worthwhile all that you're doing in life really is.

PS - My life is definitely full of things I love right now.

1. My Love

2. My Work

3. My Band

4. My Writing


My Body, My Terms

Sometimes I struggle to know where to begin a post. Especially one like this one, which focuses on my health and my body. I have written many times on this blog about the ups and downs of weight loss. And before I get too caught up, I want to offer something up to all of my friends:

I apologize to anyone who has ever read this blog, and especially the posts about weight loss or body image, and have felt guilt or shame towards their bodies. You are enough, just as you are.

I feel especially remorseful looking back because so much of my weight loss was the result of not eating. That's my truth. I was under so much stress from the divorce, experiencing homelessness, finishing graduate school, and taking on jobs that were harmful to my psyche, that I barely had an appetite. So...I didn't eat. Couldn't eat really. Yet, I was flaunting the photographs and the "Transformation Tuesdays" as if I had intentionally set out to lose a bunch of weight.

Perhaps in doing so, I made believe that somehow weight loss was the equivalent of self-love and self-care. I was wrong. 

It took me a while to come to terms with that. 

In hindsight, I recognize that the greatest harm I did to myself in my many "transformation tuesday" posts was the self-loathing I carried towards my former, 'overweight' self. Whenever anyone would say, "You were beautiful either way Pam," I would scoff. I felt ashamed of the old me. I mocked the "Old Pam" who woke up that morning, did her makeup and hair, picked an outfit that made her feel good, and took a picture and posted it because she felt beautiful and worthy. I laughed at her. I shook my head at those pictures and couldn't believe how "far" I'd let myself go. I made light of that Pam's need to feel loved and all that she did to feel beautiful. How shitty is that?

It hurts to remember how I belittled myself. And it hurts even more to know that I may have made some other woman feel that her body is somehow unworthy. But, Queen, let me promise you this: you will never see another "transformation tuesday" post on this blog, no matter my size. I will only celebrate the truth about my body here on Unapologetically Pam. The truth when I am bloated because my period is coming. The truth when I had pizza (cause yum!). The truth when I moved my body lovingly in the gym, in a yoga class, or dancing with my man. And I will celebrate my body and your body. I will celebrate all the ways we care for ourselves, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

These days, this is what I feel about my body:

I am worthy.

I am capable.

I am valued.

I am loved.

This is my body. My body, my terms. And my body is enough. You too, Queen. You are enough and capable and beautiful, as you are. Keep becoming all of you. 


Try Something New

Last week, I did something that scared me...

I went to the chiropractor for the first time! Now, I know for some of yall, that may be nothing. But if you're like me and you've seen videos like this, I'm sure you've always said you'll take a hard pass on hearing your bones crack lol. Nevertheless, when I was talking to a colleague about my upper back pain, she recommended I see her chiropractor. After sitting on the idea for a few months, I took the plunge and set up an appointment.

The result? Well...

I'm so glad I tried something new.

My experience was amazing. The doctor gave me the most thorough, holistic exam that I've ever received from a doctor. I am excited to work with her moving forward. Soon after I went to the chiropractor, I saw this photo with a quote from Auntie Michelle:

When was the last time you tried something new? Could be as simple as trying a new recipe or as big as going to a new country. How did it feel? If you're a creature of habit like me, trying new things can be daunting. But every now and then (i e., when I feel safe mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally) I step out and try something new. 

When I use wisdom and try new things, it pays off.

That new thing you've been thinking of trying? Do it. That new nail shop you want to consider? Try it out. That thing that would be good for you mind, body, soul? Give it a chance. Let's listen to Auntie Michelle, yall. Be encouraged to try something new.


All Black Everything (Almost)

Fun fact: I love fashion!

Ever since moving to Chicago, I've been experimenting with clothing. Presently, I would describe my style as urban/grunge chic. I love street style, I love black, and I love leather and ripped denim.

I also love comfort (I've finally grown out of the 'wearing heels to be fashionable' phase and into the 'here are my dope flat boots' stage). These boots from Amazon are absolutely everything. Plus, this blazer with the coated sleeves from Boohoo is my favorite accessory at the moment.

One of the things I love about Boohoo is that they offer really dope pieces for curvy gals (which is hard to come by). If you haven't shopped there, before I highly recommend!
Hat: Forever 21 | Blazer: Boohoo | Top: K-mart | Bottoms: K-mart | Shoes: Amazon
I'm really thankful that I can bring that style with me from work to the stage to date night. I have finally gotten my wardrobe to a place where I can sing, dance, date, and work in the same clothes! Hooray! What are you rocking these days? Drop your instagram link below so I can check out your style 💖


My 30th Year

In September 2018, I celebrated my 30th birthday with a photo shoot. With my hubby behind the camera, and my girlfriends playing Beyonce in the background, I twirled around the deck of our weekend lake house rental. I absolutely love how these photos turned out. Perhaps hubs can get a side hustle as a photog? 👀

When I look at these photos, I am absolutely amazed that this is me. I feel younger than I've ever felt. I see joy in these pictures. I also feel absolutely beautiful in my skin, which took a long time.

I see Love, Joy, Hope, Peace, and Honesty when I look at these photos. Cheers to my 30th Year. Cheers to more love, more life, and more abundance.

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