My First Q&A!

blogging

Happy Sunday, blog lovers!

I am so excited about today's post because it's a first here on Unapologetically Pam. A few weeks ago, I posted to my social media accounts (instagram, twitter) as well as some amazing online communities that I have the privilege to be a part of - DivorceForce, Bloggers of Colour, and Black Bloggers United - to see if anyone had some questions they'd like to ask me.

To be honest, I didn't think I'd get any questions, because, ya know you never know. But I did! I got questions on blogging, my education, my favorite films, and divorce/dating. Here they are:

Blogging
1) How long have you been blogging and why did you start?
2) Blogger or Wordpress?
3) Do you automate your blog posts and social media? And how do you feel about automation overall?
4) When blogging do your stock pics or personal pics grab more readers?

Personal
5) What is your Master's Degree in?
6) What is your favorite film?

Divorce/Dating
7) Are you divorced?
8) What is the biggest lesson you've learned from your divorce?
9) How long after my divorce should I wait to start dating again?
10) What is your ideal date?

I'm sooo honored to answer these questions! So, without further ado, here is my first ever Q&A. Hope you enjoy!



Thanks for reading/watching!

xoxo,
Pam

5 Tips for Surviving a Bad Break-Up

divorce
Happy Monday, blogosphere!

Today's topic is one that is near and dear to my heart. I've been wanting to write more on my divorce for a while, but it's taken me some time to sit down in front of the computer and really be comfortable with sharing details that are so intimate...and now I'm ready!

One of the things that I hear most often from women who have gone through an ugly divorce or break-up is that they feel alone. I think this is because no one really wants to talk about it openly because it's uncomfortable to be vulnerable, hard to face that shame and/or guilt.

By not being transparent about our pain, we are isolating each other.

This leads to the repression of feeling anything at all, or the need to fake the "strong woman" image. 

Well baby girl, I'm here to tell you that heartbreak hurts. Nobody ever gets married with the hope of divorcing. When I was standing in front of God, family, and friends declaring my vows, I had no idea that four and a half short years later I'd be standing in front of a judge who declared those vows null and void. I never thought that I'd ache in places I didn't know were possible, I never knew that I'd allow someone to disrespect me and my body so much, I never knew the depths of my self-loathing...again, heartbreak hurts. 

So, if you're currently going through a break-up or divorce or if it's in the past, but you haven't healed from it, here are some friendly tips that I learned along the way. 


Tip #1: FEEL EVERYTHING.
Oftentimes, we tend to jump to the "I should just forgive him/her" stage before we feel the anger, the hurt, the sadness...but when you don't allow yourself to feel those things, your forgiveness is lackluster at best. Yes, holding a grudge for years and years will hurt you in the long run. But initially? Like the first year? You need to feel what you need to feel in order to find true healing. There's no way around this one, you just gotta go through it. 

And that's hard right? Because no one wants to admit that they're hurting. But let me tell you,

It's okay to be broken.

Allowing yourself to feel that pain will be one of the best ways you can move forward and heal in the future. No way around it, over it, or under it. Just gotta go through it.

Tip #2: WRITE IT DOWN
I think one of the reasons we repress our feelings is because no one talks about it. We are much more comfortable sharing all of the ways that our lives are beautiful on instagram, but we're uncomfortable about sharing our pain. Since there's a fine line between being transparent and sharing too much on social media, I suggest that you first try being vulnerable with yourself. Write down your thoughts, write down your anguish, your pain...your moments of happiness and brokenness. For all of the things you can't say out loud, write it down. 

Once you release a thought from your mind, you might be surprised at how it loses its power.

Tip #3: REALITY CHECK
How many of us after a bad break-up try and linger on the good times we had? Or dream about what might have been or could have been?

Seriously homie, check yourself before you wreck yourself. At some point, you have to stop thinking about whatever your partner's intentions were and start living in reality. Intentions can have you in a fairy-tale world, where he intended to be faithful, he intended to love you, he never intended to hurt you. 

Well intentions kinda go out of the window when you're in the hospital with an STD, you feel me? 

Listen, I've been there. I still believe that my ex is a good person...and man, if he ever becomes all that the Creator has made him to be, he will be a walking testimony. However, I couldn't dwell in what could be or should have been. I had to face reality. And that reality was ugly, painful, and dark...and it had been that way for seven years. Whatever he intended to do, I had to step into my reality and realize that I was harming myself over and over again by staying.

Tip #4: TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED
Now, as you can imagine, once I started living in reality, my whole world was shaken to its core. I hated him for what he had done and I hated myself for allowing it to happen. This is when I started to sink deep into depression. 

One of my biggest regrets (and a fate I'd like to save you from) is that I didn't take any time off to heal.

Nothing stopped for me. I was still a full-time graduate student, I was still working full-time, and I was volunteering full-time for church. My days and nights were filled to the brim. I didn't stop any of the meetings, any of the classes, any of the work projects...I led worship every Sunday even when most people at my church at the time still didn't know I was separated from my husband. Nothing stopped. And we can make that sound glamorous all we want and paint the picture of a strong woman, a testament to "pressing through when it's hard." But the truth is, I was sinking inside. I continued doing all of those things even though it hurt and even though all of the red flags were up: I couldn't sleep without sleeping pills, my anxiety was so high that I was having panic attacks nearly every day, I was having para-suicidal thoughts. 

But I didn't want to seem weak.

Because, everyone just keeps pressing through, right? I mean, that's what it looks like. It seems that everyone else who goes through this just keeps on living so I should too. Wrong. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know that life doesn't stop for any of us. I had to keep working, I wanted to stay in school, and I love worship, so that's part of the reason I didn't stop. But, I regret not taking any time, not even just a few days to step away from everything and go on a mini-vacation to clear my head. Every woman I've spoken with about divorce and break-ups has said that either they took time off from work/school/life or they wish they had. I am a part of the latter group. If you can spare the time and have the resources, take a week or so off. You're going to need it to just recoup and step away from the madness, even if just for a moment.

Tip #5: LOVE YOURSELF
Seems pretty simple, right? But for whatever reason, this is one of the hardest things for us to do. Yes, you're hurting. Yes, you feel like crap. And yes, life is a mess and you're not sure of what the next step is.

All of these things are true. But you know what else is true? 

You are worthy of love.

It starts with you loving you. Pamper yourself. Get a facial, go to a spa. If you know of someone going through a bad break-up, why not offer them a spa certificate? You have no idea how much your kindness will help. And if you can't afford to go to a spa on your own, give yourself a spa treatment at home (here's a video that might help you). Get your hair done (or do it yourself, if you can!). Put on some makeup, throw on that one dress that makes you feel like a million bucks. And take yourself out on a date!
  
Don't wait on anyone else to love you. Do it for yourself.

I took myself out on a date at the famous Signature Room while I was still new to my singlehood journey. When my waiter learned that I was dining alone, he treated me like a queen and I treated myself the same way with a four-course meal and a wonderful glass of wine. I didn't need a date to be treated like royalty. I found that self-love within me.

Love yourself. Embrace yourself. Trust yourself. And take care of yourself.

I hope this post speaks to you. If you're hurting, I am truly sorry. But know that you're not alone. And if you have tips for anyone going through a break-up, why don't you share? Comment down below. 

Thanks so much for reading!

Unapologetically,
Pam

What Will They Say? (The Truth Is...)

divorce
Life often teaches us to be silent. To keep our secrets tucked away in some seemingly safe place where no one has to see your scars or know your fears.

I've wrestled with God over my pain. In my many fights with Him, I have often asked Him, "Why?"

Why? Why me, God? Why have these things happened to me? Or around me? Why me? Why?

Well, He's never given me any definitive answer. His only clear response has been: "Because I need you to share your story. I need you to not be afraid to speak. You have seen darkness and you have survived."

"I need you to not be afraid because there are women out there...girls...My daughters who need to know that they are not alone. That there is hope. Your story will lead so many others out of silent fear. And I need you to not be afraid."

But, the truth is...I am afraid.

I'm afraid of backlash. What will people think? What will they say?

Will they tell me that I'm giving my ex a bad rap? That I'm dragging his name through the dirt? That I'm tainting his image? Will they say that I'm bringing down a good black man who's made "a few" mistakes? That it's not even my place to speak because so much of my story is his story?

What will they say? Will they ask the most painful question of all...the question that everyone asks when they hear my story, either from a place of love or from a place of ignorance..that question. The one that causes me shame, makes me feel guilt, makes me hate some part of myself...

The question...

Why did you stay?

Then, what will they say? Will they say that I'm a weak, insecure woman for staying with a man who treated me in such a way? Will they say I should've been stronger? Will they say, "If it were me, I would've left a long time ago!" Will they call me stupid? Will they call me crazy for remaining silent, allowing for 6 years to go past in darkness while simultaneously building a case for what looked like a perfect marriage on social media?

What will they say? Will they call me foolish for eating my way to well over 250 pounds because I couldn't see a way out? Can't they understand that I was just scared? That I was trapped? That I was hopeless? Or, will they say, "It's YOUR fault for not speaking up. It's YOUR fault what you've done to yourself."

And, what will they say? Will they call me a liar for the Facebook posts that put on the appearance of happiness? For the smiling photos of bliss? Will they be angry to know that they were there, watching me walk down the aisle at my wedding, when I knew that the groom's heart was never mine to hold? Will they say that I wasted their time?

Then, what will they say...what will they say when they see me happy and smiling now? Will they say it's not real? Will they say it's too soon, too risky for me to love another? Will they say it's not right? That I don't deserve to have moved on?

What will they say? What will they feel when they know the truth?

Truthfully...

The truth is...
I have seen darkness.
I've experienced things no wife, no girlfriend...hell, no friend should experience.
I have been alone.
I have hoped for death.

I have fought.
I have survived.
I have been brave.

And I have finally gotten a glimpse of me.
Me...
I have looked past the dirt and I have finally seen myself through God's eyes.
I can finally see pieces of who He's created me to be.

The truth is...
I can finally love.
I love Him.
I love me.
And I love a man who is head over heels in love with me, and yet who loves Him more.

The truth is...
There is still a call of God on my ex's life. I still believe it. God has created him for a purpose.
I'm just no longer a part of it.
It's up to him to accept God's call.

The truth is...
Just as God has a call on the life of my ex, He has a call on mine as well.

And the truth is...
I need to speak. I need to share this story.

But the truth is...I am afraid.

After all...what will they say?


That Girl

Christianity

That girl...
She held her head high in order to hide
The emptiness she felt inside.
Years of self hatred and self neglect
It caught up to her
That girl... 

That girl was trapped in the things of the past
The lies she was told at the tender age of seven
The man who approached her at the age of 12
The boy who stole from her at the age of 16
The man she pledged her life to in darkness and deceit
That girl... 

That girl believed the love she received was the love she deserved
There was nothing better for her
She accepted pain as the natural way of life
That girl... 

That girl was afraid of her own shadow
Afraid to sleep with the lights off
Afraid that God wouldn't love her, couldn't love her
Because look at her...
Look at the scars.
Look at the damage.
Look at her...
That girl... 

That girl internalized the lies
Believed that she couldn't leap
That she couldn't be who He'd called her to be.
Surely He couldn't use her...
That girl... 

That girl found it easier to sink into the shadows of doubt
To lay in the depth of despair
To break under the weight of silence
That girl... 

That girl...
Right when that girl had given up all hope, she found the last ounce of courage to stand
And in that moment someone saw the light that was hidden deep inside
And said, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT GIRL ANYMORE."
There is more.
You have more.
You were made for more.
That girl... 

That girl finally looked back and realized the life she had been living was a lie
That there was beauty in her soul and in her eyes
That girl... 

That girl took a leap of faith and began to run for all He has created her to be
That girl felt deeper pain than ever before in the midst of the journey
That forever changed her heart and her mind
That girl... 

That girl, through tears and sleepless nights...
That girl became brave
That girl became fearless
That girl... 

That girl ran and ran and ran
until she stumbled into
THIS girl... 

This girl...
Her worth and her value are higher than rubies
Her power is found in the cross
Her faith is found in the waves.
This girl... 

This girl is a survivor.
This girl is courageous.
This girl is a warrior.
This girl... 

This girl will tell you that it's worth every wound to become all that the King of the universe has created you to be and called you to be.
This girl... 

This girl will tell you not to give up the fight because it's true when they say the race is not given to the swift or the strong but to those who endure till the end.
This girl... 

This girl is proof that God can use your scars to heal the wounds of others in the middle of an avalanche
If you're willing to run the extra mile.
If YOU'RE willing.
Yes, YOU.
You girl.
He can use YOU girl.
Rise up.
You are created for a time such as this.
You, girl.
'Cause that girl isn't you girl.
She is your past girl.
But this girl...
She is your present.
She is your future.
So what are you willing to do girl?

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