By My Side: The Back Story


I am very excited to share that DeMico and I have been writing some original music. For those of you who know me, you know I've been singing all of my life. But this collaboration is dear to my heart, not only because it's with the man that I love, but because the story behind it is amazing.

I come from a family of song writers and musicians. My entire family is very gifted at it, in fact. And I always felt like the oddball. I struggled to form melodies. And even though I blog and journal and write a lot, song lyrics for whatever reason have always been difficult for me. So, I stayed away from song writing. I thought perhaps it just wasn't a gift that I had. I figured, "Who cares? Someone else can write the songs and I can just sing it." I've been doing that most of my life.

The creative process of writing a song has always been quite baffling to me. I tried to write music with several people, but it just didn't work out. When the process of actually composing a song would start, I could contribute a word or two. I could ask questions about the vision...but overall, I had no idea what I was doing. Honestly, I felt inadequate.

Then one day, DeMico and I got together to work on some music. He pulled out his guitar and asked me, "What do you think of this?" And he just started playing. His melodies moved me in a way I'd never felt before. And as he was playing, vocal melodies were coming to my mind...I knew something special was there. So we continued to write together on and off.

On April 9, 2015, DeMico was driving me home from church. I was quiet in the car because I was exhausted, physically, mentally...and spiritually. I felt burnt out with school, church, work...life. On top of that, I have a chronic illness that I've been praying for healing from since I was young. And I was having a flare-up, right in the middle of everything: Easter, my comprehensive exams for school, graduation looming around the corner, uncertainty about the future. I was frustrated with God...it felt like God was so distant from me. It felt like God wasn't answering any of my questions: "Why won't You heal me?" "What am I supposed to do after graduation?" "Why won't anyone call me for an interview?" "How am I going to survive once school is done?" "Where am I supposed to go from here?"

That night, there was a huge thunderstorm in Chicago. Lightning was flashing over Lake Michigan. It matched everything I was feeling inside. Suddenly, DeMico asked me if I would like to pull over and watch the storm on the beach. I was like, "No, take me home." (lol). But, he was persistent and I said fine, 5 minutes. We went and parked on the beach and watched the storm in silence. DeMico reached for my hand and said, "Isn't this beautiful? Storms are supposed to be scary, but instead it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen." He went on to tell me, "I know you're in a storm right now and there are so many questions you have. But instead of just thinking about the storm being over, I think you should embrace it. Look around you and see that there's beauty in the storm. God's here. I'm here. We're both by your side."

His words were poetic. But more than that, they meant something to me. So I asked him if we could write a song. He was like, "Right now?? Okay!" He reached into the backseat and pulled his acoustic out of its case. He had to adjust the seat and lay the acoustic flat in his lap in order to play in the car. I pulled out my notebook and wrote down what he had said to me. And immediately I saw a potential song. I asked him to start playing something, anything. He said, "Okay...well, here's something I was working on earlier today. Let me know if you like it..." And the rest was history. The entire song, melodies, lyrics, and all were written in about an hour in the front seat of his car in the middle of a thunderstorm. We recorded it right then and there, too. Also in his car. So here is the final product:



He unlocks something in me that I can't quite explain. And that's fine, because perhaps it doesn't need to be explained. It just is. When I'm with him and he starts strumming a guitar melody, vocal melodies that I never knew were there start to float through my mind. His music reminds me of people and places that I've been...dreams that I've had and forgotten. He unlocks the pieces of my musical heart.

All of this time, I thought I just didn't have the gift. But instead, I had it all along...I was just waiting for him.

Story Time: I'M ALIVE! (barely)

By far the best question I've gotten from dedicated blog readers over the last couple months has been: "WHERE YOU BEEN AT??" My response: "ON TOUR GETTIN' MONEY." (Did you get the Drake reference there? Yes? No? *insert insane-looking smiley emoji here*)

First, thank you for your concern. I know it's been a while since I've posted. We are long overdue for a little update. At first, I thought I'd write this super emotional post about how hard the summer has been, all the struggles I've had, and all the health issues I've faced. I was going to talk about fighting the good fight, staying in the race even when you're tired, and how to have faith when all seems hopeless (and still is hopeless)...

But then I decided, nah, let's deflect with humor. I'm good at that! So here's the short story of my summer - the good, the bad & the ugly:

1) I graduated!! Woooo!!! Many thanks to my bff Ashley for coming to Chicago and being with me that week. You have NO idea how much I need some girl time. And she finally got to meet DeMico!! They hit it off immediately.

2) My skin disease had an intense flare-up (and is still flaring up). I don't want to take the medication for it though, because the side effects to me are worse than the actual flare up. While the healing process would be quicker, I'd spend probably about 3 weeks in bed. So instead, I'm waiting for it to clear up on its own. It's now been 4 months. Is it wise? Meh...idk!

3) I had to take out a major loan to pay for bills over the summer. Bummer! BUT it helped me get through some much harder times to come.

4) One bright, calm summer night at a local burger joint...I bit into a nice, juicy chesseburger and lo and behold, MY TOOTH FELL OUT. Like, literally, just popped out of my mouth. I haven't had a tooth fall out since I was like 5. I literally just sat there looking at the tooth for like 10 minutes while DeMico kept asking, "Are you okay? Are you okay? PAM! Are you okay?" I'm sure he thought I was about to lose my mind in the restaurant and was plotting an escape plan for us in case I needed to be carried out from a panic attack lol.

5) That led to the most impromptu, most insanely unplanned dental surgery EVER. Not to get into the specifics, but basically, my tooth fell out on a Monday. I was at the dentist on a Friday. I found out all of these major issues that needed immediate surgery, which was scheduled for the following Monday. I left the dental office in more pain than I was before. I was on emergency meds all weekend and POW, just like that, I was in surgery Monday morning.

6) RECOVERY WAS THE WORST. Like, seriously. It took me about 3 weeks to be able to move my jaw normally and another 2 weeks to be able to eat normally. Pain, pain, pain. Nausea. Headaches. All of it. Dental surgery is laaaame.

7) Because of all the jaw issues, I ended up only eating ice cream and cake (doctor's orders!) for 5 weeks. Needless to say, I gained 15 pounds.

8) Those headaches I mentioned turned into migraines real quick. So, I was having painfully, blinding, I-can-only-lay-in-bed-in-the-dark-to-make-it-go-away migraines. While recovering from surgery still. While only eating cake and ice cream. The best right?

9) On top of it all, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues with finances, family, and even leadership. Those were the things that I think gave me the most anxiety when I would try to sleep at night. I found myself lying awake for hours on end, no matter how tired I was, just worrying. That was probably the hardest part of the summer. Being sick and not having resources is probably the worst thing ever.


So, where am I now?

I recovered finally and got to a semi-normal place of health (I've lost 5 of those 15 lbs I gained). Started working out again and cut out all sweets from my diet (I miss you, cake and ice cream!). In terms of finances, I'm still on the struggle bus. I'm applying for jobs, I've had lots of interviews. But, I keep hearing the same thing: "You're brilliant, but you're not the right fit for this job." OR "You're brilliant, but I think you're overqualified for this position." And I'm like, ugggh brilliance is nothing without resource! LOL (but the kind of lol where you're dying on the inside actually). I still have a lot of anxiety, but I also still have faith. I don't know what September looks like for me and that scares me, honestly. I'd love to get to a place where faith outweighs anxiety and then anxiety goes away altogether. Either that or I'll quit and move to Santa Monica and beach bum it for the rest of my life. KIDDING (not kidding).

Seriously though, I wanted to write this blog post not only to give you a short update, but also to be vulnerable. It's scary to be transparent when you're in a season of waiting. But, I wanted to write about it because I feel like we often only share the good in our lives, you know? Like, we all go through trials, but then we only share when we're #WINNING on social media or blogs. We wait until we're out of the storm to talk about the rain because now we see the sun shining. I didn't want to wait until then. I'm still in the storm. Life is still hard. But while I'm not #winning right now, I know the One who always wins. And I trust in Him. But trusting is hard. When my comeback story is all set up, I'd love to share that with you too. In the mean time, this is where I am. It's been a hard summer. Your prayers are appreciated. And if you've had a hard summer, I'd love to hear about it and pray with you also.

Eventually, we'll all be #winning again together. I just know it!



Beauty

She was always unreachable.
Unobtainable.
She was perfect.
Everything I was not.

They asked me, "Who are you?"
I say, "I am no one."
Because
I wanted to be her.
An unachievable beauty.

A nameless face with perfect lips
Beautiful eyes
Pearly white teeth...
A slender waist
And curves to kill.

They asked, "Who do you want to be?"
Her.
I envied her.
And I hated me.
I say, "I am no one."
Because
I can't be her.
Unobtainable. Unachievable.
Beauty.

I can't live like this.
Yet, I cannot die.
Where to turn? Where to run?

I look up.
He looks back.
He whispers, "Beauty...
Untameable.
Unshakable.
Created perfect in Me,
In every way...
That is who you are."

I weep.
I want to believe.
They asked, "Who are you?"
My lips move to say, "I am no one."
But my heart no longer trusts that.
Instead, I pause...
"I'll know soon enough."

I wipe tear-stained eyes.
I look straight ahead.
Into a mirror.
A reflection. My reflection.
Can it be?
I lean in for a better look.
Beautiful lips. Teeth. Eyes.
A slender waist.
Curves to kill.
Imperfect.
Beauty...

I cry.
She is me.
Reachable. Achievable. Obtainable.
Untameable. Unshakable.
Beauty.

Then one day when they asked me, "Who do you want to be?"
Finally, I said, "Myself."


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