My Body, My Terms

body positivity
Sometimes I struggle to know where to begin a post. Especially one like this one, which focuses on my health and my body. I have written many times on this blog about the ups and downs of weight loss. And before I get too caught up, I want to offer something up to all of my friends:

I apologize to anyone who has ever read this blog, and especially the posts about weight loss or body image, and have felt guilt or shame towards their bodies. You are enough, just as you are.

I feel especially remorseful looking back because so much of my weight loss was the result of not eating. That's my truth. I was under so much stress from the divorce, experiencing homelessness, finishing graduate school, and taking on jobs that were harmful to my psyche, that I barely had an appetite. So...I didn't eat. Couldn't eat really. Yet, I was flaunting the photographs and the "Transformation Tuesdays" as if I had intentionally set out to lose a bunch of weight.

Perhaps in doing so, I made believe that somehow weight loss was the equivalent of self-love and self-care. I was wrong. 

It took me a while to come to terms with that. 

In hindsight, I recognize that the greatest harm I did to myself in my many "transformation tuesday" posts was the self-loathing I carried towards my former, 'overweight' self. Whenever anyone would say, "You were beautiful either way Pam," I would scoff. I felt ashamed of the old me. I mocked the "Old Pam" who woke up that morning, did her makeup and hair, picked an outfit that made her feel good, and took a picture and posted it because she felt beautiful and worthy. I laughed at her. I shook my head at those pictures and couldn't believe how "far" I'd let myself go. I made light of that Pam's need to feel loved and all that she did to feel beautiful. How shitty is that?

It hurts to remember how I belittled myself. And it hurts even more to know that I may have made some other woman feel that her body is somehow unworthy. But, Queen, let me promise you this: you will never see another "transformation tuesday" post on this blog, no matter my size. I will only celebrate the truth about my body here on Unapologetically Pam. The truth when I am bloated because my period is coming. The truth when I had pizza (cause yum!). The truth when I moved my body lovingly in the gym, in a yoga class, or dancing with my man. And I will celebrate my body and your body. I will celebrate all the ways we care for ourselves, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

These days, this is what I feel about my body:

I am worthy.


I am capable.


I am valued.


I am loved.


This is my body. My body, my terms. And my body is enough. You too, Queen. You are enough and capable and beautiful, as you are. Keep becoming all of you. 

Unapologetically,
Pam

Good Eats (At Home!)

5daysofblogmas
Hello my darlings! Happy BLOGmas Day 2!

In my weight loss journey, people often ask me what I eat regularly. I've never done a post dedicated to my go-to meals. So, for today, I figured I'd share some typical meals that I eat at home. I know the holidays are coming up and we're all going to gain some weight (workout post coming tomorrow though, so eat up!). In the meantime, here are some healthy meals you can have at home (or draw inspiration from) in between your feast days (or just on regular days, like after New Years lol).

Disclaimer: I ain't no chef...so...ya know.

Breakfast

This is a very common breakfast for me. In fact, this is my go-to more often than not.

Honey strawberry Greek yogurt, granola, strawberries & kiwi with a drizzle of honey. Plus a chai tea!

The Greek yogurt provides some good probiotics for digestive health, the granola gives me some fiber, as well as the fruit. The drizzle of honey is for good luck (at least in my mind) and sweetness.

This next one is another typical breakfast of mine. I make this when I have a few extra minutes to spare and I feel like cooking a little bit.

Eggs, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and Greek yogurt with raspberries. Plus an iced chai.

And finally, this is for when I have a bit more spare time, usually on the weekend. Pro tip: sriracha is amazing on EVERYTHING.

Scrambled eggs with spinach & sriracha, sausages, toast, and a mimosa!


Lunch

Alright, on to some lunch favorites! Basically, I always eat salads at home for lunch lol. It's what I love and it's healthy. 

Spinach & kale, cucumber, cherry tomatoes and meatballs. I don't usually have tea with lunch, but this day I did. It's lemon zinger tea.

Right now my favorite dressing is a combination of Greek dressing with ranch. Sounds crazy, but just try it. It's so goooood.

Spinach & kale, tomatoes, and chicken sausage.


Dinner

For dinner, I usually have something I find comforting. Here's two yummy examples.

Butter chicken, steamed rice, with baked pita bread. And also, for whatever reason, I'm having iced tea. I promise I don't always drink tea lollllll.

Chicken apple sausage, baked brussell sprouts (with olive oil, salt & pepper), and a baked sweet potato.


"Fooood, glorious fooooood. Eat right through the menu!" lol!

That's it! I hope perhaps you found some of this to be useful or helpful. See you tomorrow for Day 3 of BLOGmas!!

xoxo
Pam

Summertime Blues

fitness
So, it's been a LONG time since I've done a blog update but I figured now would be a good time to do so. Life has been pretty interesting this summer...I won't go into details about EVERYTHING, but I'll just say that there's been a good amount of stress. But, instead of writing pages and pages of high stress stories, I'm going to focus on one of the main reasons I hate summer: THE HEAT DOES CRAZY THINGS TO MY SKIN!

Okay, so for those of you who know me, you know that I have a few skin conditions, which go absolutely INSANE in the summertime. With one of my conditions, I break out into hives every time I exercise. Basically, my body responds to the temperature outside and the warming up of my body during exercise as an allergic reaction. I can usually stop this by taking an antihistamine prior to exercising, but in the summertime, it generally doesn't help. It's like, my body is fighting against the heat and losing miserably. Even when I exercise indoors, the hives are unbearable. Also, one of my other conditions causes me to get abscesses due to excessive sweat. And, of course, with it being sooooo hot, there's a lot of sweat to be had.  So, after several visits to my dermatologist, I have had to put off exercising for the summer...so I literally haven't worked out since the beginning of June after my first breakout. It has been pretty lame.

But, there is an upside to this sad tale...I haven't gained any weight!!! I realize that after all this time of trying to be healthy and eat healthy, perhaps I've finally learned what my body needs to prevent weight gain. It's been almost 3 months and I haven't gained any weight. Now, I haven't lost any either which, ya know, isn't all that great. But, I've kept off those 25 lbs, which is what matters most to me. So, even though I haven't been able to work out, my body is still doing just fine. I'm staying in out of the heat. I spend a little extra time walking my dog when it's time for her to go outside, so I get a little bit of exercise. But, I'm looking forward to fall, so I can get back out there and work it out again!

So, thanks for stopping by! Hopefully, my next update won't take 3 months to get around to lol.
 ~Pam ♥

Coping With Injury

fitness
Coping with an injury as an athlete is VERY difficult...I know the last time I blogged, I had run my second race and was preparing for my third, which was to be next Saturday. I joined a running club and was soooo pumped about getting the opportunity to train with other women & run a race. My goal was to run a faster 5k by the end of our 10 week clinic.

I was off to a wonderful start, I was motivated & I was pushing myself to get up at least 4 times a week to go run. As a beginning runner, I was doing a combination of walking & running.  And I felt great! The high point for me during my first month was when I stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost a total of 25 lbs!!!!!! I was ecstatic. I just couldn't believe that in a few short months of trying to get healthier, God had worked a miracle in my mindset & my body. I was enjoying my running...and I was getting better! I was ready for race day!

Then, in the 4th week of clinic, I was running with Gaia, my faithful running partner, and I suppose I stepped wrong or pushed myself too hard...I'm not sure what was happening. I just remember a pain shooting up my left leg. I stopped & stretched and decided to walk the rest of the way. When I walked, it felt better. I came home &decided to rest. A few days later, I tried to run again and the pain came back. I spoke with my running coach, and she suggested rest & ice it as well. So, I waited another few days and tried again...the same thing happened.

To make a super long, depressing story short, I had strained a tendon in my left leg. And since I kept trying to get back out & run, I kept re-injuring it. I've never been an athlete, so I didn't really understand what "rest" meant. My leg hurt so bad that I could barely walk at a leisurely pace for longer than a mile. I went from running, losing 25 lbs, & feeling great...to not even being able to power walk. I missed 4 weeks of clinic while trying to get my leg to heal...so I ended up having to drop out because I was so behind. And instead of preparing for my third race, I'm slowly but surely starting to run again. I was so down & hurt when it happened though...I just felt like I had failed myself because of this injury. I was disappointed...and honestly, angry. But, one of the best things I heard during this time was from my running coach's husband. He sent me an encouraging email with a lot of running advice. The best thing he told me was, "The real value is to be able to walk/run forever, not the distance." It meant so much to me when he said that. That is my goal...I want to run forever...I want to enjoy it forever. This pain was only temporary...it almost seems like it happened ages ago today. I'm already getting back out there, I'm just having to encourage myself to try again. 

So, that's my injury story...if you have any encouraging words, they're always appreciated. Thanks for reading :-)

Almost There

fitness
I woke up at 5:30 a.m. because I just could not sleep. My nerves were all over the place & my stomach had butterflies. I’ve never even done a 5k, but I was dreaming about what it would be like. When I woke up, my mind was racing. I immediately turned on the weather channel and to my dismay, there was a 70% chance of rain at 8 a.m. when the race started. But I had prepared for that in advance & decided that rain or shine, I was going to keep an open mind. So, I made myself some oatmeal and ate some fruit...but my stomach was in knots, so I couldn’t eat it all. After getting dressed, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “this is it.”

On the way down to Little Rock, I had one of my favorite songs on repeat, “On My Way to You” by Mercy Me. The lyrics were so perfect for what I was about to do.  “Almost there, almost where I'm supposed to be. It's not all clear, but you keep showing me. With every step, the more my heart moves to your beat. Just like where I'm headed, there's joy in the journey . Teach me to think like you think. Show me the things that are true. Finish the work you have started in me. As I'm on my way to you. Create in me a pure heart and make me new. Less of me, Jesus more of you. Here I stand, still I'm drawn down to my knees. It's not my strength, but yours that carries me.” So, that’s where my mind was when I pulled into the parking lot for the 5k. There were people stretching & warming up...and I was intimidated...but determined. I kept reminding myself of the old saying, “slow & steady wins the race.” I wouldn’t be the fastest person, but I was determined to cross that finish line. I got help from a fellow 5ker to pin my number on and afterward, I got someone to take a picture for me. I wanted to remember that this was happening...and breathe in every moment.

I began warming up by walking & jogging a few blocks. Then, I found a nice secluded corner to stretch my shins (cause shin splints SUCK) and pray. I just asked God for strength...I was going to need it. As it got closer to 8, a crowd of eager racers started to form. There was so much diversity, from ethnicity to age to height to weight...I saw a little bit of everything. From serious runners, to literally just fun walkers in big, fancy hats. I thought I would feel out of place...but once I was there, in a sea of almost 1,000 people, I found that what many of you who encouraged me throughout this process kept telling me was exactly right. We all were there for the same purpose...to finish. Sure, there were people who also wanted to finish in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place...but everyone still had the common goal of getting across the finish line. I fit right in.

As the time got closer, my heart was beating faster & faster...then the countdown began...10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...and the guns went off. We all took off. There were people flying by me and also people that I was leaving behind. Cameras were flashing and news videos were rolling. I heard a few faithful fans cheering & yelling “good luck!” A few cold raindrops started to fall, but we kept on pushing. After about a half mile, I found my pace & got comfortable. And then...it started happening. The hills. I haven’t trained for hills...heck, I didn’t even realize downtown Little Rock had any hills. Maybe it’s because when I’m in my car, I don’t feel them. They’re not steep, but man, trying to keep pace on them is difficult. My fastest time to complete 3.1 miles during training was 51 minutes 4 seconds. I wanted to at least do that well again...but I just didn’t know how it would work out with it being so cold, wet, & windy...plus the hills...geez, it was rough. I had my phone with me to help me keep time since I don’t have a stopwatch. I was getting all sorts of encouraging texts & phone calls, but I didn’t look at them because I didn’t want to be distracted. There were no ½ mile markers or anything, so every time I felt like I had walked/run close to a mile, I would get anxious...and of course, the mile marker was always further away than I thought. I passed a few people who had raced ahead of me at the beginning...unfortunately, some people had already dropped out. My legs were feeling pretty good by this point and I started my 3rd mile. Then, the pain started...my sides were hurting...and while my body was not cold, my lungs were not happy with the chilly winds & air I was breathing in. My left foot was hurting...and here comes another hill...and then another one. I was in so much pain, but in the distance I could hear the voices of the announcers & cheering fans riding on the wind that was constantly hitting me in the face. I started to remember the words to the song I was listening to. “Almost there...almost where I’m supposed to be. With every step the more my heart moves to your beat. It’s not my strength, but yours that carries me.” I remember praying, “Lord, please let this be over soon...I’m in so much pain...please just let me finish. My strength is fading...but I know your grace is sufficient for me. When I’m weak, you are strong.” I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes...and as I looked at my phone to see the time,  right as I was in pain and praying that God’s strength continue to carry me...right when I was thinking in my mind, “how far away is the finish line? I’m getting closer & closer to the sounds but I can’t see the finish line...” Right at my weakest moment, I felt God’s strength take over. I pressed even harder towards the mark.

I’ll never forget what it was like when I rounded that last corner...and fans were standing around cheering & taking photos. I heard people cheering, “You can do it!” “Go girl!” Then I heard, “And we’ve got Pamela Johnson crossing the finish line folks!” When I crossed that finish line...I just couldn’t believe what had happened. I turned around and saw where I had come from...I thought about the distance we had gone. I thought about the pain I felt during the 3rd mile...and there I was, receiving a medal for finishing my first 5k. People were high-fiving me & volunteers were offering me water, fruit, protein bars, etc. Once again, cameras were flashing. And I had made it. My official time was 49 minutes 30 seconds, which was better than my best training time! I had endured the rain, cold, wind, & hills...and did better than what I had hoped for. When we started, there were almost 1,000 people...but only 753 people finished. And I was one of them.

Later that morning, I looked down & saw a huge red stain on my left shoe...turned out to be blood. I had managed to scratch one of toes during the race. It was a tiny cut, but I had bled profusely. I didn’t even feel it until afterwards. Of course, if you know me, you know this whole ordeal wouldn’t be complete without some kind of injury lol. So, now I’m sitting at home, tired, sore, and with a swollen, bandaged toe...and I am more proud of who I am physically right now than I’ve ever been. Now, that’s what I call success!

“For the race is not given to the swift or the strong...but to those who endure till the end.”

Determined to Finish

fitness
Wow...I can't believe it's here so fast! There's only ONE MORE DAY until I take on my first 5k. I can't lie, I'm nervous but I'm also beyond excited. I have all of these questions running through my head like, what will it be like? What if I get cramps in my calf muscles (which has happened to me A LOT)? What if there are hills? What should I eat the morning of? What will I wear? Soooo many questions...but so much excitement. I have been walking 4 days a week now for 2 months & have gotten my 5k to under an hour, which I know isn't super fast by any means at all...but for ME, it's fabulous. It's so amazing to me that literally 3 months ago, if you would have told me that I would be walking a 5k by myself, training 4 times a week, and enjoying the feeling that working out has given me, I would have laughed. I honestly wouldn't have believed you. My life has changed so much since I started working towards this 5k. Every time I would go over a mile, I would complain & say that I was going to quit...now I'm able to comfortably walk 6 miles! This whole experience has been amazing.

When I cross that finish line on Saturday, I will have achieved the biggest fitness accomplishment of my life thus far. One of my close friends & co-worker, Rachel & I made buttons for race weekend. She's walking the half marathon, which I hope to be able to do next year. I made a button that said, "Determined to Finish" and that's my motto for the day. I bought a lightweight poncho because there's a 60% chance of rain on Saturday. Rain or shine, I will be there, ready, excited, nervous, anxious, and determined to finish!

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