Fully Present

catch-up

"Wherever you are, be all there." - Jim Elliot

When I began my blogging break back in July of this year, it wasn't intentional. I didn't say to myself, "You know what, life is happening and I need some time away." The break happened naturally. I didn't necessarily need time away; I could have been blogging. But I chose not to. In fact, there were several times that I would start a blog post, only to drop it because the timing didn't feel right. On one hand this is because I experienced some life transitions (which I'll talk about below). On the other hand, I also had some thinking to do about what I want this blog to be (which I'll also talk about below). It is a platform that I don't take lightly, so I care about what I say, how I say it, and more importantly why I say it.  

What I did instead of blogging was give myself permission to be present in what was happening in my life at that moment. And what I learned along the way is that: 

Allowing yourself the chance to be fully present, even if it means stepping away from other things, is the best way to be unapologetically you. 

I had some incredible experiences over the last few months - from meditation retreats in the forest to fancy birthday dinners, I have been living! I have also been learning. And taking the time to not blog, to not try and instagram every beautiful moment, has allowed the moment to just be beautiful. And I needed that time. While I may not have been blogging these last few months, I never stopped writing. I never stopped gathering inspiration and wisdom, which I hope to share as I start posting again. Most importantly, during my break, I'm happy to say that I've been living my motto every. single. day. -"Becoming Myself, Unapologetically."

Life Transition
So, like I said, I've seen some changes in the last few months (all good things!). 

First, I got a new job back in April, and my work schedule changed in May, then again in August. My hours were doubled (yay for more money and more experience! nay for being too tired for anything else) then they went back to normal. This coincided with my academic pursuits to better understand leadership, human behavior, and transformational change. I am advancing my career, professionally and academically. I look forward to sharing more of what I learn here on this platform! Step by step, I keep getting closer and closer to becoming Dr. Pam - heyo!

Second, I moved! And I legit love my new home so much.

Third, I got siiiiick. Like, sick sick...like, in the hospital kinda sick. So, that took me out the game for most of September. I'm happy to report that I'm much better now, and I learned a lot through illness. Maybe I'll do a post on that, as well.

PSA - lots of things remain the same in life, though: I'm still head over heels in love with my incredible partner (hey baby, I know you're reading. Thank you for always supporting my dreams!), I still love football & basketball, I've still been watching all the movies (SO excited for Moana and Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them!!!!), I've read soooo many books, my family & friends are amazing. Some things don't change, and that's awesome ♥

Blog Transition
During my break, I also thought a lot about my blog. I think this is partially because my computer gave up the ghost and I lost a lot of potential content. But I'm happy this happened, as it helped me to really think about the future of Unapologetically Pam. I've talked before about how I refuse to align myself to any particular genre. However, I do want to align myself with purpose. The thing about being unapologetically you is that being all of yourself encompasses many categories - to me, I cannot be defined by one genre because the core of who I am, my true identity is composed of many different pieces. And I want to represent as many of those pieces as I can here on Unapologetically Pam. But one thing must remain true with each piece - becoming myself, unapologetically. And while becoming myself, I want to always ask with each post, "How does this help someone else?" 

I want there to be purpose behind each of my posts.

Essentially, from here on out, each and every post - whether on life tips, relationships, fashion, food, travel, whatever it may be - has to answer two questions for me: 1) In what way is this unapologetically me? And 2) How does this help another woman become unapologetically her?

This unfortunately means that there won't always be a new post - as I'm out here living my purpose and fighting for my own convictions and beliefs, sometimes there won't be time to write. But when I do write, please know that there will be substance behind it. And most importantly, there will be truth.

Happy to be back, loves! Looking forward to sharing more of the journey ☺

Story Time: I'M ALIVE! (barely)

catch-up
By far the best question I've gotten from dedicated blog readers over the last couple months has been: "WHERE YOU BEEN AT??" My response: "ON TOUR GETTIN' MONEY." (Did you get the Drake reference there? Yes? No? *insert insane-looking smiley emoji here*)

First, thank you for your concern. I know it's been a while since I've posted. We are long overdue for a little update. At first, I thought I'd write this super emotional post about how hard the summer has been, all the struggles I've had, and all the health issues I've faced. I was going to talk about fighting the good fight, staying in the race even when you're tired, and how to have faith when all seems hopeless (and still is hopeless)...

But then I decided, nah, let's deflect with humor. I'm good at that! So here's the short story of my summer - the good, the bad & the ugly:

1) I graduated!! Woooo!!! Many thanks to my bff Ashley for coming to Chicago and being with me that week. You have NO idea how much I need some girl time. And she finally got to meet DeMico!! They hit it off immediately.

2) My skin disease had an intense flare-up (and is still flaring up). I don't want to take the medication for it though, because the side effects to me are worse than the actual flare up. While the healing process would be quicker, I'd spend probably about 3 weeks in bed. So instead, I'm waiting for it to clear up on its own. It's now been 4 months. Is it wise? Meh...idk!

3) I had to take out a major loan to pay for bills over the summer. Bummer! BUT it helped me get through some much harder times to come.

4) One bright, calm summer night at a local burger joint...I bit into a nice, juicy chesseburger and lo and behold, MY TOOTH FELL OUT. Like, literally, just popped out of my mouth. I haven't had a tooth fall out since I was like 5. I literally just sat there looking at the tooth for like 10 minutes while DeMico kept asking, "Are you okay? Are you okay? PAM! Are you okay?" I'm sure he thought I was about to lose my mind in the restaurant and was plotting an escape plan for us in case I needed to be carried out from a panic attack lol.

5) That led to the most impromptu, most insanely unplanned dental surgery EVER. Not to get into the specifics, but basically, my tooth fell out on a Monday. I was at the dentist on a Friday. I found out all of these major issues that needed immediate surgery, which was scheduled for the following Monday. I left the dental office in more pain than I was before. I was on emergency meds all weekend and POW, just like that, I was in surgery Monday morning.

6) RECOVERY WAS THE WORST. Like, seriously. It took me about 3 weeks to be able to move my jaw normally and another 2 weeks to be able to eat normally. Pain, pain, pain. Nausea. Headaches. All of it. Dental surgery is laaaame.

7) Because of all the jaw issues, I ended up only eating ice cream and cake (doctor's orders!) for 5 weeks. Needless to say, I gained 15 pounds.

8) Those headaches I mentioned turned into migraines real quick. So, I was having painfully, blinding, I-can-only-lay-in-bed-in-the-dark-to-make-it-go-away migraines. While recovering from surgery still. While only eating cake and ice cream. The best right?

9) On top of it all, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues with finances, family, and even leadership. Those were the things that I think gave me the most anxiety when I would try to sleep at night. I found myself lying awake for hours on end, no matter how tired I was, just worrying. That was probably the hardest part of the summer. Being sick and not having resources is probably the worst thing ever.


So, where am I now?

I recovered finally and got to a semi-normal place of health (I've lost 5 of those 15 lbs I gained). Started working out again and cut out all sweets from my diet (I miss you, cake and ice cream!). In terms of finances, I'm still on the struggle bus. I'm applying for jobs, I've had lots of interviews. But, I keep hearing the same thing: "You're brilliant, but you're not the right fit for this job." OR "You're brilliant, but I think you're overqualified for this position." And I'm like, ugggh brilliance is nothing without resource! LOL (but the kind of lol where you're dying on the inside actually). I still have a lot of anxiety, but I also still have faith. I don't know what September looks like for me and that scares me, honestly. I'd love to get to a place where faith outweighs anxiety and then anxiety goes away altogether. Either that or I'll quit and move to Santa Monica and beach bum it for the rest of my life. KIDDING (not kidding).

Seriously though, I wanted to write this blog post not only to give you a short update, but also to be vulnerable. It's scary to be transparent when you're in a season of waiting. But, I wanted to write about it because I feel like we often only share the good in our lives, you know? Like, we all go through trials, but then we only share when we're #WINNING on social media or blogs. We wait until we're out of the storm to talk about the rain because now we see the sun shining. I didn't want to wait until then. I'm still in the storm. Life is still hard. But while I'm not #winning right now, I know the One who always wins. And I trust in Him. But trusting is hard. When my comeback story is all set up, I'd love to share that with you too. In the mean time, this is where I am. It's been a hard summer. Your prayers are appreciated. And if you've had a hard summer, I'd love to hear about it and pray with you also.

Eventually, we'll all be #winning again together. I just know it!



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